The thing with being Sam is that complications come running out of the woodwork in well almost everything. Whether it is work or whether its matters of the heart. Complications need to exist.
Right now where he is in life will be best be described by the following little piece that he wrote to himself in a pathetic display of misery and not being able to do anything else till he actually puked out all this stuff in the form of words.
‘I just feel like professionally I am stuck. I am not doing what I want to be doing. I continue to do what I hate doing. It is ridiculous. I know for a fact a lot of people out there who are doing something that they like. Something that they know they are good at. They are experiencing good times. They can sense themselves growing and accomplishing something. Then there are others who are doing there ideal jobs. They are the real gutsy ones in my opinion. Following their dreams. Whether it is photography, painting, movies, theatre play, writing or making an actual difference in the lives of people. I had ambitions to. I still do have an ambitious dream tucked away in some corner somewhere, waiting to either be realized one fine day in glorious triumph.
And in terms of the heart, again I am stuck. Wanting what can’t happen. Ever. And I feel so …… aggh. I don’t think I can even put it in words. I want to be with her but I can’t. I want to be the guy in her life. I mean I don’t know if she’s perfect for me. I don’t know if I am perfect for her. All I know is that I want to be with her. I want to scream out what I feel. I want to tell her all. But I can’t. And that’s just downright cruel. Exercising my right to freedom of speech in this case would / could have fatal consequences. And I don’t just mean rejection. But more then that.
I really wish I could tell her. Just once. Just get the chance to say all that I want to once. I want to tell her how she makes me feel. I want to tell her how everything else in my mind starts to stop functioning when her thoughts enter my head. I know how this all sounds like a mushy line right out of some movie / book / romantic story but that’s the fact of the matter. I want to tell her that whenever I see her name on the BB Messenger I light up. I get excited. I don’t just scroll on but I have to see what her updates are about. Whether its a status change or a dp change. And every time she puts on a dp of herself I want to tell her how amazing she looks. I want to tell her that I can’t ever say no to her. (I know that sounds sad and loserish but again its true). I haven’t been able to actually. I am always immediately and not as a conscious thought or decision have been available to the task at hand.
Why can’t there be a method by which we get a freebie to say what we want without it having any consequences whatsoever? Like a free hit in cricket. I wish I could have that chance. It will at least if nothing else allow me to get it out of my system.’
Now the above mentioned blabbering and rambling of words should go on to prove the earlier point of the complications. Its not like this is the first time he’s been in this position. Rachel has gone on for almost 10 years. And the thing with the job and the whole professional dream etc etc tends to come and go every now and then. The thought of not being able to achieve that particular dream or want of doing something which will contribute or make a difference in people’s lives.
Waiting and knowing that good things will come has been fed to Sam’s brain for quite some time, such a long time now that it almost seems like ….. something akin to Santa.