I have been working for almost 2 years now. I am in my third job (all job switches were out of my own choice…. Thankfully I haven’t ever been asked to move on). They have all been the same. Started out well…. Had fun… enjoyed working … enjoyed the environment. And BAM!…. 4 months later it starts. I am not satisfied. In an environment where job markets are getting tougher and tougher… that is an extremely concerning situation for me. And one I can’t help either.
For the past month I have been on this ‘soul searching’ agenda of mine. It hasn’t really progressed. I am still at the starting point of my soul searching. I guess the reason could be because I have so many things on my mind that I need answers to in reference to who I am. What I want. What I want? That’s one that I really don’t have an answer for. Heck not even close to an answer. I have talked to various people about the possibility of switching roles, jobs etc. Given my history of switching, most of them have said to me “You need to first understand what it is that you want to do. You need to have that clarity.” So here’s the million dollar question then I guess – what do I want to do? What do I want? What am I yearning for? What is my passion? Where does my heart lie? Why can I not just move on? What is my calling? Ok so that’s not one million dollar question but rather a series of them.
What is the point of doing something that you are not sure of or that you don’t think you belong to? I need reason. I need heart in what I do. I need direction and some sort of semblance in what I am doing in life. Where the fuck am I headed? I don’t know. What do I want to do in life? I don’t know apart from this one thing that has stuck with me for since I guess my 2nd or 3rd semester of BBA. I want to give back to the community, work for a humanitarian cause. Start some project. But that can’t happen till I stabilize my own two feet.
And dependent on sorting out all of the above is the fact that I need to get settled personally as well. I mean… I need to be in a position for that someone that I might find … because no matter how hard I try not to be…. I am still the same idiot who keeps liking someone of the other. And one of these days this idiot will probably find the guts to take it beyond liking from afar.
I really need time to do my soul searching. I don’t think I have been getting that time in between thinking about work and work and work. And well to be fair some other stuff as well. But very much close to work in nature.