It gets extremely hard to understand all that is happening around me. Actually to be more accurate, that bit is clear, its actually hard to understand my internal chemistry in reaction to all that happens. The past gets swept away by the future and the present gets entangled in the mix as well thus creating a sort of a gap in the understanding process I suppose. But that’s only one explanation.
It’s now been quite some time since anything. Even thou this is fine – socially and practically both – it still tends to bother me at times. Drives me towards a self created / imposed isolation of sorts as well. In regard to all that happens around me.
I don’t know if I have changed as a person. Maybe I have. I miss the “complication” of it all thou. It was fun at times too. Well … interesting anyways. Although I am sure some of my friends might be tempted to say ‘not at all’. And I won’t exactly be in a position to disagree with them. Again – complicated.
Perhaps on a certain level I like the complication. Which I know sounds very twisted. But that’s that.
So I fall back to the safety net of dreaming which has been provided to every able bodied human being whose mind is in working conditions. Aah but the dreams have been a tad bit dry too. So have illusions and hallucinations. Or all the other possible tie ins of imagination.
The forbidden organ of mine is of course at times very active. And unfortunately refuses to be clear on a lot of stuff. I can’t understand exactly what it is that I yearn for either. I can’t understand if whether there is any inclination at times then is it something that should be pushed or not. No help whatsoever. But then I guess that can probably taken as a sign that it wasn’t a case to be pushed. That might be taken as a sign that I am changing as a person as compared to how I was previously of course.
Strange organ this forbidden one. Love is something that of course everyone years for, demands, needs, requires, and of course is what ‘makes the world go round’ (God knows who came up with that corny line). It is directly in proportional relation with the emotional, intangible aspect of the forbidden organ. A useless and probably non-agreeable fact of life.