It seems like I’ve hit a dead end in life. I can’t seem to find a way forward and the way back is already tormented me to pieces. I feel like this floating body in water where I am not really in control of where I am going. The flow is just taking me itself. The dead end is … my control over my own things.
5 years on from where I started and certainly don’t feel like I am at the junction I imagined myself to be. Maybe that’s because its just the starting phase of the new journey. Or maybe because these last 5 years have been maligned by single focused thoughts and day dream distractions. The last 5 years have not been spent in the right kind of soul searching. Rather the more whimsical kind.
Is this really something that I wanted to do or was I taken in by the charms of ‘entitlements’ and the grape vine factor? I really have to ask myself that question. But now I am too afraid. What if it’s too late? I am already on the next journey…. I am already someplace I can’t get out of soon. I am already trapped and confined to borders I wanted to be far away from. I’ve already let my control slip away slowly and slowly.
Its too soon to be in a sort of a ‘rut’ feeling. And I know I have that at times and I know that is not good. I feel helpless.
So much so every now and then I find myself actually imagining myself in some sort of a mishap. An accident. A disaster. A tragedy. I almost find myself wishing for it. For the lack of any other plausible escape my mind wanders to creating the necessity for escape at a very high price. Not only in physical terms. But also one that I might just end up paying with my morality, my self worth.
But it will mean escape. Escape from where I am right now. It might just end up in a permanent escape, such a dangerous wish. I know I will never act on it. I should be saying ‘I HOPE’ thou.
Sometimes what you wish for doesn’t come true and then you immediately start wishing for something else. This wish at times can be a rebound wish. Works in the same manner and principle as that of a ‘rebound relationship’. And it really doesn’t out to be that pretty. And since you been through some stuff or are in it with someone you feel obligated to, you end up being trapped. And that’s when you end up wishing for disaster. Pathetic.
Maybe if I can just let some time ride by. Maybe if I could just hang in for a little bit. Maybe then a rational or rather a plausible escape will come my way. Just maybe.