Even though I’ve been through all of this before and I’ve done this before there is still this feeling of absolute uncertainty. I don’t know exactly what to pinpoint but something makes me scared right now. Scared of going out there and taking a chance on myself. I’ve talked about this before regarding myself. But it does. I just feel something, some point in me …. is just holding me back from taking a chance on myself. A chance on anything really. Not playing the risks which are obviously bound to be there because they come with the territory oh we all so dearly would love to tread lightly. But unfortunately we can’t. We can’t tread lightly. We have to go jumping and hoping and hand in hand with those risks. They are unavoidable. But … even thou I am professing this, I am scared. Scared to say anything even though I know its not like I am going to be uttering lines from the book of Sin or something.
But I just can’t get myself to say anything. And at the same time, I want to get it done and over with. Like this being a movie and just pressing the fast forward button. But its real life. And I can’t do that. However ironically as my friend put it yesterday, being as emotional as I am, at the same time I can disconnect rather quickly as well. I don’t have a problem with moving on.
But at this point in time, where we are a good 2 phases prior to the part where one would Disconnect, I am hating it. I can’t handle this part very well at all. I just can’t.
Everyone I’ve talked to about this kind of stuff, keeps telling me that fine everyone is scared at this point in time. That it won’t be so bad. The maximum that would happen is that I would just have to move on and disconnect. That it won’t be such a big deal. That I just need to go for it. I just need to take a chance.
So what the hell am I scared of exactly? … I don’t know.
I just don’t know. I am at …. split ends over this.