I wade through the nights, every single one of them. I wander through the piles of thoughts floating in my head. Thoughts of my future. Thoughts of my past. And of course how can we forget the place that we are currently in.
I am so engrossed in them, that life carries on, and my thoughts become more or less second nature. Well actually carrying life on with the thoughts working in the background becomes second nature, but you get the gist of it. I hit all the hours, I talk, I think, I write at times. At times I just transport my thought and interaction process to another place, another dimension. At times I lose myself in fiction of television. The fiction of Hollywood. The characters they create to look like they are right out of the closet of your own soul. Their problems are right up your alley. It’s all so, hell, I’ll say it, it’s all so comforting at times. Magical almost in this day and age of fast moving emotional roller coasters and people like me who can’t sleep thus accelerating that roller coaster.
Anyway. What I describe over here is pretty much what happens almost every night. There are exceptions of course, say when I am extremely so dead tired, that the rarity does occur and I do fall asleep at a reasonable hour by my standards.
But since that’s not the regular case, it’s pretty much a botched up mess head in the night. I lay awake, with my music in my ears, with my thoughts in my mind, and with my dreams, in my eyes. Dreams, nightmares, unrealized fears. The paranoia does of course build itself up from such activities of the night. My second nature.
The clock ticks ticks ticks, and reaches, 1 Am, then 2 Am. And so and so forth till at least 4 to 5 Am. And the wee early hours of the morning are spent alone. In my own little escape world. In my room. A time of day when I am undisturbed. Unquestioned. Left to my own little existence. My salvation for the day.
And so it goes till it’s morning…..and I wake up after the spirits of the night in me keep me awake and keep me company, to take up the day ahead. To swell all that’s there, so as to come back to my salvation at night, into the morning. The morning that’s my peace time. The wee hours of AM.