Note of a tormented person…

I keep watching to the dark night. Watching as the full moon fights a losing battle against clouds. Watching as the wind strikes against me hard. Watching as the rain lashes through the atmosphere making its presence known to all living things.

I keep watching and waiting. Waiting to see if the heroes that our destined to save all of us will turn up tonight. Heroes we’ve always heard will be there to save our souls. I’ve been waiting for so long for mine. For my savior. All I can see right now through my cracked vision is the flight of my soul. All I can do is watch as it flies away.

But I am still standing and waiting, tormented from inside at the loss of feeling anything. Twisted but real. I know all of this requires a much needed dose of sanity. Sanity which won’t come without those saviors, those heroes. Those who I heard about from the ancient times.

They still haven’t come. I am here, in this moment, with an escaped soul. With the hand of a stormy night enticing me more and more over the edge. All I can hear is it’s thunder, some distant screams, the voices of torment from inside my head and the feeble voice of hope fading away somewhere in the distance.

It will vanish for good sometime soon, my hope. All that will be left will be the torment then. I won’t even have the capacity to feel the storm. Maybe I won’t even have the capacity to hear a tear drop fall let alone shed one.

I wish something would just take me away, I’d even settle for the grim reaper at this point.

Restoration of Judiciary: Restoration of Hope?

March 16th, 2009. The day that the judiciary of Pakistan was restored. The day that the deposed judges of the November 3rd Emergency were restored. The day that the 2 year struggle of the lawyers was awarded. The day that Ch. Iftikhar was said to be reinstated as the Chief Justice of Pakistan on 21st of March, 2009. The day that the long march, rallied on and muscled on by lawyers, political activists and civil workers brought fruit to the cause. The day that Nawaz Sharif probably ended with a gloating smile the boundaries of which might not be measurable. His party had gained immense ground.

Apart from the obvious political inferences in this entire event, the restoration of the judges does at a level also go beyond the personalities involved. It goes beyond Musharraf, Ch. Iftikhar, Nawaz Sharif and Zardari. It stands as a symbol for the people of Pakistan. It stands as the point where people might just restore hope in our nation. In the future of our country. In the direction in which we can be headed. It stands as the symbol for the people and by the people, that if pushed, a revolution will not be far. This long march and the eventual restoration of the judiciary stands more for this than anything else in my opinion.

The fact that Ch. Iftikhar will once again be the Chief Justice of Pakistan holds little meaning to me unless he upholds the faith put into him by the supporters and strugglers of this cause of the past 2 years. It holds little meaning unless he actually works in the good benefit of the country, rather then putting it into further turmoil.

What is important in my opinion is to see that people did rise. They didn’t rise for their love of Mian saab. They didn’t rise for the love of Ch. Iftikhar. But rather for what these 2 individuals and their mandates stood for. What they symbolized. That we the people of this nation are capable of holding “democratic’” or “undemocratic” dictators accountable. That all the leaders of this nation must realize, that we are no longer willing to be pushed against the wall. We have the ability to rise for our better fortunes. We have the ability to fight for our rights. And we will not be made victims under a false pretence of democracy.

I hate almost all the political leaders of our nation, because more often then not, 90% of their agenda is selfish, rather then selfless devotion to the cause of a country, to the cause of prosperity of Pakistan. These ‘leaders’ come from all parties, PPP, PML-N, PML – Q, MQM etc etc etc. (let us not forget the Qazi Hussains and the Maulana Fazl-ur-Rehmans). They have all proven time and again they work only for their own personal agendas and their own personal gains.

However in the present event case, I think the PPP was not completely to blame. It wasn’t the PPP going back on the ‘Charter of Democracy’ or the agreements made with the PML-N over the restoration of the judiciary. It was rather the actors and forces which had quite conveniently hi-jacked the party in the name of their slain leader. It was the man I am sure many do believe was against reinstating Ch. Iftikhar because of the consequence that might have on the controversial NRO.

But at last, the party has also shown to have broken the shackles of this hi-jacking. PM Gilani announced what everyone wanted to hear. Even if not for the sake of Iftikhar, but perhaps in the hopes that this will signal the end of Zardari, the end of political instability. Sherry Rehman’s resignation over the handcuffing of media was courageous and principled. Zardari was doing all the things that a year ago he quite conveniently was blaming Musharraf for. Being a dictator.

Even Mian saab to be honest, in this particular issue, that of the judiciary, was taking principled stands. Although I have no doubt he was doing so because he had something to gain from it, but at least it was the right stand.

I’ve been against embroiling this nation in the judges issue for such a long time because well I knew it would drag on for such a long time. I knew there would be resistance from the top to bring back Iftikhar. And there were (and still are in my opinion) far more pressing and threatening issues in this country. Like the situation in the north and the continuing uncertainty in the country affecting the economy. And at the end, lets be honest, Nawaz Sharif is the last person you would think of being in so supportive of an independent judiciary. After all, he has deposed judges as well. Almost everyone has. But now, the judiciary and more importantly the people have stood up and said “enough is enough. no more playing with our lives” .

Though Nawaz Sharif was behind the long march and threw the weight of his party in support of the lawyers’ movement, even he must take this as a strong message “No more”.

In the end, it is my wish that this restoration of the judiciary, this historic moment for Pakistan, does actually bring fruits to our nation. That it brings a restoration of the hopes of our nation, the hopes of the 170 Million people living in Pakistan. That it is indeed a blessing for Pakistan.

For now all we can do is pray, and hope…….. the actual results and aftermaths of this decision are yet to be scene. Till then , all we do is hope and pray.

Isolation…

Pakistan is going through a very fragile state right now. We are showing all the signs of a nation which imploding from the inside. The very fabric of our existence is a very loose thread. Yes…. I am saying it that pessimistically. What else can I do? Sing glorious and praiseful songs of our nation? At a time when the political environment (no surprises here) is yet again in turmoil. Just a year after the ‘Great victory of democracy’. At a time when there are cancerous problems in the northern parts of our country. At a time when our security capabilities were literally made a mockery of (the Sri Lankan Cricketers attack).

So tell me, what else would I be right now if not pessimistic. Its a lot better then being a hypocrite. And we have plenty of those in our fine land as well. People who would shout all sorts of things against Musharraf and his rule, are now said to have been wishing him back. Wishing his time back. You wanted democracy? Well you’ve got it… so now suck it.

The attack in Lahore was nothing short of shameful on part of our security arrangements. Arrangements for which we gave so many assurances in words that it looks like then and now was a different entity altogether. And it is absolutely ridiculous to then try and come out and defend or deny anything. Accepting and acting upon it would be better advised.

However the damage has already been done. I think almost everyone can be certain that the motives behind this attacks weren’t directly linked to the Sri Lankans, hence ruling out one of the suspects being named by our all so competent agencies, i.e. the Tamil Tigers. For other reasons as well, it couldn’t possibly have been the Tigers. Given their current position in SL, I honestly feel (And i might very well be naive here) they don’t have the resources or the ‘”assets” to be operating in such attacks on foreign soil. Not right now.

The motives behind this attack were clearly to isolate Pakistan. It was clearly to put a huge question mark on the security situation of the country. It was clearly to leave us out in the cold. Or to hand us over to the devil. Wrapped and ready.

Unless there is a strong united front in Pakistan in terms of the leadership and the running of this state, the hope and future of this country are very much in danger. Our ability to exist as a sovereign state is very much in a limbo down the years. If the situation doesn’t improve, this entire country would be a cynic.

Someone I know was presenting a theory. If the situation indeed doesn’t improve. If it further worsens in the sense that there are more incidents of huge security lapses or attacks on high profile personalities or events etc, there is a good possibility that the UN might pass a resolution to declare Pakistan incapable of handling the situation. That it is a ‘failed’ state. That it can easily turn into a guerilla state. And since it has nuclear capabilities, it is therefore going to be unable to safeguard its own nuclear program. Which is why the UN must take over Pakistan’s nuclear program and have the IAEA watchdog present. Basically take away our nukes from our hands.

The overall morale of the country is also at an all time low, of this I am sure. The one thing that can universally provide the masses with some sort of distraction from the hustle and bustle of reality is sports. No matter which country, this almost always holds true.  And unfortunately for us, our sport with the largest following, cricket was also not safe from politics. Hasn’t been for years. The PCB’s systems and policies carry the stench of political manipulations. And now not only that this has affected our teams performance and quality. But now also our credibility as a country which can host international cricket. After this attack on the one team that agreed to tour Pakistan, we will unfortunately not be seeing international cricket in our country for the foreseeable future. We will not be part of the hosting nations of the next World Cup. The masses are deprived of sanity to which they have as much of a right as they do on breathing air. Especially in these times.

It is sad what is happening in our country and it is even more sad as to what is not being DONE in our country. 

Scared….

Even though I’ve been through all of this before and I’ve done this before there is still this feeling of absolute uncertainty. I don’t know exactly what to pinpoint but something makes me scared right now. Scared of going out there and taking a chance on myself. I’ve talked about this before regarding myself. But it does. I just feel something, some point in me …. is just holding me back from taking a chance on myself. A chance on anything really. Not playing the risks which are obviously bound to be there because they come with the territory oh we all so dearly would love to tread lightly. But unfortunately we can’t. We can’t tread lightly. We have to go jumping and hoping and hand in hand with those risks. They are unavoidable. But … even thou I am professing this, I am scared. Scared to say anything even though I know its not like I am going to be uttering lines from the book of Sin or something.

But I just can’t get myself to say anything. And at the same time, I want to get it done and over with. Like this being a movie and just pressing the fast forward button. But its real life. And I can’t do that. However ironically as my friend put it yesterday, being as emotional as I am, at the same time I can disconnect rather quickly as well. I don’t have a problem with moving on.

But at this point in time, where we are a good 2 phases prior to the part where one would Disconnect, I am hating it. I can’t handle this part very well at all. I just can’t.

Everyone I’ve talked to about this kind of stuff, keeps telling me that fine everyone is scared at this point in time. That it won’t be so bad. The maximum that would happen is that I would just have to move on and disconnect. That it won’t be such a big deal. That I just need to go for it. I just need to take a chance.

So what the hell am I scared of exactly? … I don’t know.

I just don’t know. I am at …. split ends over this.

The Architects of Our Own Demise…

We saw the things to come, in their true shape, in their true colors. Yet we did nothing to prepare for it. We just stood. At the same point as we always did. We were too proud to actually change. In our minds there was nothing else to be done. We were the top of the food chain. We were not a ‘spent force’, we were the kings and the king makers.

We were engrossed in our own spent thrift lives. In our obsessions with power. We were so wrapped up in ourselves that we didn’t see how the entire system, the entire order that we were so damn proud of was just waiting to burst from inside. And burst with such a degree that even if we wanted to cry beyond our pride we would not be able to because of the intensity of the aftermath.

We were blind. Blinded by ‘fool’s gold’. Blinded by the roads and paths shown to us by the workers of hell. Greed, it was killing us from inside and were enjoying it like sick junkies.

Piece by piece of the reality we were living by was being destroyed. Destroyed by our own laid out plans. Unwittingly we were designing a master proof plan to put us all into a nose diving crash. A crash from which little would survive over the long run. From which those who do survive will never recover.

We hoped , we believed. Unfortunately as stupidly as those who believe rocks are the holders of their fate. Pathetic creatures. And we used to call ourselves the kings and king makers. We were the top of the food chain? That’s a questionable chain then.

Elites we were. Nothing could touch us. We breathed in a different level of air. We were beyond reach of misery , beyond the reach of the Heavens even!

How foolish we were. And how anarchic was everything associated with us because it was all bound for that nose diving crash. That step by step guide of self destruction. We orchestrated it , we designed it. Hell we were the architects of it. And now we have left behind a world in spiral in our wake.

Ode to us, the elite, the privileged. To us who could have steered the ship well, but rather were busy cutting off the lifeboats.