Birth of my Ghost

Once the last bead of wisdom is lost, the struggle will be useless. It won’t matter anymore because rationale will be lost and human emotion will take over. Your mind will start retrieving everything out of it’s storage areas. Like a warp. Like a vacuum thrust. They pull and they pull.

Memories start filling the visions and the senses. The childhood adventures. The tween year rebellion. The teenage angst. Thy young ambitions. Thy young love. The first kiss. The proud graduation. All starts coming to the tip of all the senses. It’s all I can see and hear now. A flash of memories.

Apologies would seem useless now. Death has you by the throat and you are not even struggling. But still you hope, as you have all those years. That maybe your regrets will forgive you one day. One day the people connected to your regret will forgive you one day. One day the people connected to your regrets will forgive you. For you left suddenl, everything and everyone, leaving behind only some memories.

You find yourself now facing your own reflection like the master hurdle at an obstacle course, you must convince yourself, your reflection of who you were, how you lived. And that point in time, after death, is where you are stuck. You are frozen. You can’t see the golden stairs of heaven and you can hardly feel hell. All you know is you have changed hands with death and left this world.

The realizations comes quite late, but that’s ok, because time is all you will have. You are stuck, because you can’t move on without correcting who you’ve wronged. Till then you stay ghost.

A New Start

Now that the musical chairs of who the Next Prime Minister is over, we must look to a new and a fresh start. A better one. One less mired in conspiracies.

Even thou PM of Pakistan, Mr. Gillani must wait for his cabinet to be sort out between the 4 coalition partners, one can hope that the weeks of burning the mid night oil is soon coming to an end.

The US has given their good graces to the newly forming government. The Newly forming government has given strength to fighting terror. But in a better way perhaps.

The concerns immediately on everyone’s mind are those of the co-existence of the once bitter arch-rivals now in office, the unprecedented price hike and of course the co-existence of this coalition government with the President. It is my sincerest hope that they do. One cannot blame the lingering feeling of the returning 90’s with elections every 2 to 3 years. But like I said, hopefully that is a thing of the past.

It is time for everyone to bury the hatchet ( with a heavy heart I must also say bury the hatchet on the undeniable crimes of corruption contorted by the PPP and PML-N during their reigns ) and with a sincere and devoted passion work towards the betterment of the country. Get down to the real issues. Not the platonic ones affecting the cream and elite of the society, but those affecting the average man. The common man.

For example, the recent chaos between PEPCO and KESC, the losers were the citizens of Karachi. We are paying our bills, why punish us? As far as shortage goes, I can’t say anyone can do anything about the load shedding in that regard. If there is a shortage, there is a shortage. Accept it.

But I digress. Right now let us focus on the future workings of the new Government. Right now let us hope once again that the fortunes of 160 million plus in the hands of the 2 major political parties of the country, won’t be dismayed.  It seems like a fair ask, considering that Mr. 10% got a clean bill of health thanks to the NRO. The Shair of Punjab so to speak is back in business. Everyone’s got what they want now, so high time a little towards the country is shed.

I appeal not just to the government, but also to those who make Pakistan what it is. It is an appeal to all the citizens of our fair nation as well. Please. It is our country, we live together. We must live together in harmony and with the aim of progress, collective progress. It is not a individual battle. It has to be a collective effort to uplift this nation to greater heights of prosperity and development.

Let us put our hands together and pray that the road ahead is better.

An Inconveniant Truth :From ‘THE NEWS’ paper

Saturday, March 08, 2008

M P Bhandara

Various expressions such as ‘massive victory, ‘crushing defeat, ‘a clean sweep of President Musharraf�s allies, ‘the nation rejects previous rulers and a slew of chest-thumping slogans have been used by the victors and the media to celebrate the electoral success of the PPP and the PML-N. Even the New York Times, on February 29 referred to the “overwhelming rejection of Musharrafs party by the voters this month”; surprising since the Times has a reputation for scrupulous fidelity to facts. There is an inconvenient truth about this election and President Musharraf has pointed it out in his assertion that his allies have got more votes than his adversaries.

Let us consider the voting facts for a moment: According to the statistics of the Election Commission, the PML-Q and its allies, the MQM, the PML-F and the PPP-S received 10,844,233 votes. The PPP-P received 10,055,491 votes and the PML-N 6,240,343 votes. Therefore, the PML-Q and allies received 40 per cent of votes, the PPP-P 37 per cent and the PML-N 23 per cent of the 27.14M votes cast for the three major parties.

On a one-on-one basis between the three major contenders, the votes received were: the PPP-P 10.3 million, the PML-Q 7.6 million, and the PML-N 6.67 million.

The proportional representation system (PRS) is widely recognized worldwide as a more equitable and a more relevant index of peoples representation than the Anglo Saxon ‘first past the post, which prevails in India and Pakistan. Under the PRS system the PML-Q and its allies would have received 88 seats in the National Assembly out of 220 seats, the PPP-P 81 seats and the PML-N 51 seats; the remaining 52 seats (the National Assembly has a total of 272 seats which are under direct election) would have gone to the smaller parties.

It is generally recognized that the election of 2008 ranks with the election of 1970 — both held under the auspices of military rulers — as among the fairest in our history. The electoral rolls used in this election were less imperfect as compared to any previous electoral rolls used in Pakistan.

Never before was an election fought on turf as unfavourable as it was for Musharraf and the ‘Q government as it was in 2008. The incumbent government always carries the burden of everything that goes wrong, during its time, and seldom of what went right. The classic case is that of Churchill who lost the election of 1946, being blamed for food shortages and rationing; what the electorate temporarily forgot was that Churchill was the architect of the greatest victory in British history.

Had an election been held exactly a year ago or so, it is the view of most political observers that the Musharraf government would have been returned with a thumping victory. Instead of preparing the turf for an election year to be smooth and free of major controversy — just the very opposite happened — a series of horrors commencing with the suspension of the Chief Justice of Pakistan, the Lal Masjid fallout (the blame of which has been unfairly placed on the previous government), the events of May 12 in Karachi, the intensification of war in North & South Waziristan, intensification of random suicide bombings, the PCO of November 3, the ethically unacceptable National Reconciliation Ordinance (NRO), the direct intrusion of the US in our domestic affairs, and finally the inflation in the prices of basic commodities after December 15, last year. The last happened in the time of the interim government, which did not have the wisdom to stop the flow of wheat flour to Afghanistan before it reached a massive outflow.

The most astonishing, nay surprising, result of this election is that the PML-Q and its allies – Musharraf’s party — gathered the highest number of votes, and the ‘Q party by itself was the runner up in terms of votes given. The result appears to express the latent support for the previous government. Why latent? Because the Musharraf years between 2001 and 2007 built up an undeniable economic prosperity which gave Pakistan for the first time a vibrant middle class. Food & energy prices were the lowest in South Asia in the above period and per capita income the highest. These hard economic facts had their remembrance for the voter.

If all parties allegedly believe in the goddess of democracy, then seats in the House of the People (National Assembly) should be proportional to the votes given to parties on a regional or national basis. Most European countries and Japan employ the PR system in one way or the other. For example, in the German Bundestag, half the seats are under PR and the other half by direct election.

The PR system in a broad outline works as under: -

Each party before the election nominates a ’slate of its members in a preferential numerical order. The National Assembly has a total of 342 seats (which includes 60 reserved seats for women and 10 for minorities who are currently elected in proportion to seats won by the parties in the general election). If a party wins 20 per cent of the popular vote, the same number of seats on regional basis in the National Assembly will be allotted to the party.

The PR system has many advantages and some disadvantages. Be that as it may, it is a truer index of the voice of the nation. Consider: -

Candidates wealth plays a much lesser part in the PR election. Since voting is for a party, not directly for an individual, contributions will be to the party and should be subject to tax concessions. A party worker of modest means, if high up on his party list, will have a better chance to be elected as opposed to a wealthy candidate at a lower slot in the same party list.

The present system is distortive. For example, if candidate-A gets 150,000 votes and candidate-B 200 votes less than candidate-A, the winner enjoys all the benefits of membership (which are substantial) but candidate-B is left in oblivion. Is this fair? Under PR system both the A & B candidates if high up in their parties respective lists can get elected.

P.R. will strengthen inter-party democracy by law. Currently no free or fair elections are held within the party, if at all. Witness the feudal mode of succession in the People’s Party. The same is true of most other parties. Inter party voting should be by secret ballot and held by the Election Commission. The key-stone in the arch of the PR system is to break or lessen dynastic politics by exposing dynasties to the vote of party members.

Currently the party manifesto is simply forgotten the day after the election — as a scrap of paper. Parties will be held better accountable than before, since it is a party programme being sold not the candidate’s election boast. The ruling party will be held accountable at election time in relation to its previous manifesto.

Currently voters are “bussed” and “fed” before being taken to voting stations by interested candidates. This and a slew of election mal-practices will continue under either system, but, will be lesser under PR as the candidate is fighting for a party ideology not directly for himself.

No system of public representation is perfect. But, a combination of the PR and ‘first past the post has many advantages. Several combinations of mix are possible and should be explored for the future of our polity

We are humans, we are emotional creatures

We all need stories, we all need heroes. We all need dreams, embodied in a beautiful vision. We need music. We need our escapes to hope, to be happy and to mainly stay sane. To stay Human. Because we are emotional creatures. It’s part and parcel of what we are. The species that we are. Some of us need emotional cues, external to our own existence. Some of us can’t live without them. We are not all islands. Some of us think that we are. But turns out we are not. We might have been born alone, and we might very well be dying alone. But we can’t survive as islands. We all need cliches from time to time. We do. We all want to to discover ourselves through they eyes of others.

We are all not hard and carved out of stone. Some of us cry, some of us hurt. Just waiting for three words that mean the world to us. Some of us suffer emotionally even thou nothing happens. Feel crippled when we expect too much. So much so that at times it hurts even to expect. I know I am one of those. Like you have the social animals. We are emotional animals. Thriving on the emotions around us. Now I am not saying that’s okay. It’s unfair on others at times. Especially if they are tired of being the strong ones all the time. They get tired of being expected too much of. Now the emotional lot doesn’t get this. Instead they keep doing things. They keep trying to do that all so perfect thing. It hurts when you fail at this point in time. It hurts even more to transgress into a delusional phase.

But what about the people who can’t express even if they wanted to. The ones who are so called ‘ hard ‘ or strong. They have a problem expressing their emotions. It’s not necessary that all of them aren’t emotionally available. Some of them have all their emotions inside. Neatly placed. They just don’t know how to take them out. It hurts them even more inside. It probably kills them too. And its probably worse when the other person is pouring their heart out and all you can say is ‘Ok’. It’s not a good feeling when you know you are the one causing the other person some pain. Well it’s not a good feeling if you didn’t intend to do so. But that goes without saying.

Bottom line, whether we can express ourselves, or we can’t, we are human. And humans are emotional creatures.

Conspiracy Theory

The thing with conspiracies is, that they are easy to think of. Easy to come up with. Once you’ve watched so many shows, read so many books and cursed every single bad grade, the ideas keep flowing for conspiracy.

 The plot will thicken in your head, with everything and anything  that seems even minutely out of place. And the beauty is how you yourself get to play the star victim. Yep, the main guy the world is after. The one they are hatching a plot against.

The system, the establishment, the authority with the writ over you i.e. the boss, the folks etc. are the chief bad guys and then of course our good friend paranoia sets in. And the epic plot gets the head, the tail and the body.

Bottled up feelings, suspicion, anger, fall outs and more suspicion. You’d feel like spreading out the red carpet for every hyper-active human emotion displayed by, well, man of course.

Seems like a simple enough path to a self-meltdown doesn’t it ? Followed by a clearing the head session, taking a couple of crazy pills and just realize how crazy you sound.

But it really doesn’t end there. It doesn’t give up on you. Another day, another paranoia. The agents of hyper tension. Anxiety. They are always lurking about in your brain waiting to pounce on the next opportunity of something that doesn’t seem like a bit that your brain will comprehend. Something that your mind will adjudge to be out of place. What next ? The same cycle repeats itself. So what to do?

Nothing, it’s part of being human, right ? Wrong. You could change. Get to the source of it. Destroy the source. And viola. The paranoia is gone, the conspiracies end. Peace and quite at last in that crazy factory of a head. Right? ….. right …

Wrong again. Turns out being human means something will keep bothering you emotionally sometime or the other. And you can’t ever quash all of them. Never. Even if you were living in the perfect little town of Pleasnatsville. Because we are humans. We need the drama. We need the crazy. It balances out the normality. Well in fact the way too much of normality.

So lets just hope that we are always able to quash each and every one of those individual melodramas in our life, otherwise the outcome’s going to be a bitch. Cheers…

A tiny rant…

A tumultuous  part of my brain is awake again. Its what makes me shake, make me quiver. It makes me weak. ‘Why can’t I let go’ I hear my own voice questioning me. Piercing at me. In times like this you turn out to be your own worst enemy. Especially in danger of going insane. Why? Well that’s simple. Because you know all your own insecurities, every single one of them. Down to the deepest detail.

I look out into the darkness that fills the room. Strangely enough it feels familiar. Like I’ve always had it around m. The absence of light. In this darkness I feel at peace. In the dark silence. Not a stir. Not a soul. Just myself and black. And visions of my salvation. A higher plain. Its just these visions that ease me. Brings me peace. I see images of my pain. My torture. Justice being served on my sins.  My mistakes. The weakness grows in me. My heart feeling heavy but oddly at peace with the situation. Like it wants to cry. Maybe its routine for this to happen. Maybe its like a reality check to keep me grounded on who I am. Overwhelmed by my thoughts. Overwhelmed by my fears, apprehensions and my feelings. My shattered fragile feelings. My eyes burn with the held back tears and my eyesight hallucinating, with images trying to break through from my mind.

Then it happens, the worst image, the worst feeling for me. I’m looking at myself. Staring into the  dead coal eyes.  A pale bluing skin encompassing my body. Like a dead man walking.  And then I hear my voice again. A muted scream. ‘Why? Why does it always have to be like this? Something so frivolously obscure. Why is it always a damn battle between me and myself? Why always the unrest?’

I think to myself. The cold starts to grow. My eyes start to tire. My mind and soul both feel drained. My will is weak. In dire need of attention. In need of strength.

But as lovely and sweat as that would be, right now every muscle, bone and blood cell in my body is feeling weak. At odds with itself. Uncomfortable. Unbearable. I wish I could have one of those out of body experiences. I wish it would all be over. I wish it would stop. Just stop happening this way.