Who We Are… (Song by Lifehouse)

ive my life around a picture
Taken when we met
Spending all of my time chasing you shiloute
For all we go through, I don’t want to change you
It’s my minds running in reverse trying not to forget
Who we were
Were inside
Here We Go (Here We Go)

Cause we break
And we burn
And we turn it inside out
To take it back
To the start
And through the rise and falling apart
We discover who we are

Strugling with my thoughts
Trying the locks inside my head
Reading between the lines
Of what you say, and what you said
Turn the radio on, to drown me out
Driving through the night to nowhere
Trying to forget
Who we were
Well it’s sad
Here we go (Here we Go)

Cause we break
[Who We Are lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

And we burn
And turn it inside out
To take it back
To the start
And through the rise and falling apart
We discover who we are

And it’s all
To the wind
It’s all
In our heads
It’s all to the wind
It’s all in our heads

Cause we break
And we burn
And we turn it inside out
To take it back
To the start
And through the rise and falling apart
We discover who we are

And We Break
And we burn
and we turn it inside out
To take it back
To the start (to the start)
And through the rise and falling apart
We discover who we are

In the Sun ( Song by Joshep Arthur) … love the lyrics…

I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

May gods love be with you
Always
May gods love be with you

I know I would apologize if I could see your eyes
cause when you showed me myself I became someone else
But I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You cant keep awake

May gods love be with you
Always
May gods love be with you

cause if I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
If I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
You

I dont know anymore
What its for
Im not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand
cause I been caught in between all I wish for and all I need
Maybe youre not even sure what its for
Any more than me

May gods love be with you
Always
May gods love be with you

Did someone call my name…

I thought heard a distant voice calling my name.
Once upon a time i could do wrong… but now … the flame only flickers

Lost in this game of chance, in this mad crowd surrounding me
With so many things to do, lost in this world of chance

I look at my own brilliant feat, wish someone would pay heed
I make myself  weep,  and still i  make my eyes go so cloudy

Strumming in the sound, while i am a little bit of insecure
So i let go , watching myself pretending that what i am not

Time tells me whats needed, and thats to be ignored
By my own self, by my own vices….

And for the last time , i turn my back on me…
One last time i ask ‘did someone call my name’

But time won’t tell , a single word i said
Fainting sounds are what pleased the lot

I don’t care much for making sense right now ,
While i am composing my hallelujah..

My baffled head just screams in the silence
My faith is strong , but i still need proof

And while i am tied to my own hell’s kitchen
I look ‘ Did someone call my name’

I used to live alone before i knew you
It was a broken piece of a arch that i rested on

Then i sang , of a time when i knew what was going on below
But i didn’t know then that the holy dark was moving too

So now i just sit under this shaded tree and think
of God above, and of those who have seen the light

And i look to the sky , and i think , i wonder , i ask
Did someone call my name……

Numb

Hmm … smell that fresh batch of paranoia ? Ain’t it cool ?

I know i have been using that travolta line from Broken Arrow a lot lately … but seriously … its like a good line. But this isn’t about cool lines from cool movies by cool actors. No. This is about paranoia, emotions and your friendly batch ball of crazy.

Slithering on, it continues. It goes on. It captures the senses, plays boo hockey with the heart and tatters away your emotions in all diverse directions that you didn’t even knew existed. It becomes just as much a part of you as your skin. Now that … when it happens… is just sad. Cuz you thought process goes to waste then. You end up bull crapping. You teeter , tatter and totter. I know none of those words make any sense whatsoever … but thats the way it is. And the worst part is the correlation that it forms with emotions. Consider it a emotional butterfly that just got encased in a glass … and then imagine it moving around and trying to escape in the most violent manners possible. Hitting the glass constantly with it’s wings. The wings .. obviously … just start to break. In non-self made metaphorical terms …. your emotions start to break your spirit. They start to weigh you down. Your heart becomes so heavy that it almost wants to fall right out throught your chest. You have moments of being teary … and then on to actually wanting to cry from that.

Now we obviously can’t leave those lovely blues sad like that .. and obviously there HAS to be another way. Something simpler, non-complex. So what is it that makes it all complex. That’s an easy one…. ‘Emotions’. Wikipedia defines emotions in the following way.

“Emotion, in its most general definition, is a complex psychophysical process that arises spontaneously, rather than through conscious effort, and evokes either a positive or negative psychological response and physical expressions, often involuntary, related to feelings, perceptions or beliefs about elements, objects or relations between them, in reality or in the imagination”

So .. .lets just take out emotions .. and everything else will be just fine. You don’t have emotions… you don’t have expectations .. they remain at zero level… then there won’t be paranoia… it won’t have nething to feed on. And even a 1% expectation will be a bonus… cuz .. you weren’t expecting nething.

So in short .. the answer for you my .. fine paranoid, devoid of rationale friend is one word… that word .. is ‘Numb’

Twisted…

He sat alone in the shade. The fever was griping him now, and taking over an otherwise rational thought process. But now … it was clouded with voices. One after the other. He had already lost her. What more was there to say ? The voices kept coming at him. Taking him bit by bit. Piece by piece. Tathering through remains of his gray matter. “Your dream is gone.” “Give up”

“Get away from me!!” he shouted out to the baren wild. His voice echoed through the rocks. “Hahaha” … the voices mocked him, laughing at his misery. Helpless and lost. He couldn’t think clearly. Where was he anyway? How did he get here? … and sasha… she was dead. He lost her in his last battle. All he could remember was a hazy image of Nexus. For all he could remember , Nexus was falling falling off the cliff, but he had launched his newly aquired pelan bomb ( a bomb that releases a special gas enzime, and that can kill a person who inhales it, after being griped with rapid fever). And Sarah was standing on the cliff. She enhaled, and she died.

But he wasn’t at the cliff. Where was he ? What happened after that? … “My head..”. Renegade could hardly keep a balance. His head was throbbing. The fever was taking over faster and faster. Then the voice came again. “You couldn’t save her could you?!… you WEAKLING!”

“WHO ARE YOU???” Renegade still couldn’t see the source of his voice. But it still kept coming. “I AM YOU!… YOU ARE ME…. A PART OF ME…. AND NOW ITS TIME FOR PSY-FEAR TO COME BACK AND BE ONE!!!!”

“Psy-Fear.. who the hell is this jackass?” Renegade thought to himself. But he wasn’t in any position to look or face any enemies right now. “A part of him?” … He kept thinking.. as he lay there almost wasted.

The System…

Every country, big or small, poor or rich is run by a certain system. It might be dysfunctional or elite. But it has a system. When there is no system.. there is anarchy.

Pakistan is somewhere in between. I refuse to believe that there exists a system in this country by which the state of affairs is run. Its more like a circus that’s overstayed its welcome in a town. A circus run by one man.

I hate to be so negative about the General, a person i used to look upon as a saviour for our nation. Which he still can be , but currently is not. Myself along with many others who were/are his avid followers, I am sure I can safely say, day by day feel an overwhelming emotion of having been betrayed. In our trust, in our faith. Everyday we are made to witness the unravelling of a further shru! One day one statement. The very next .. a u-turn of sorts. Its no secret anymore that big changes are afoot for the political set up of the country. But one can only imagine as to what they might be. Is it going to be BB … or some other tried and tested corrupt leader.

Our nation is none the wiser thou. The general is still the lesser of many evils ( not 2 .. many). If only he could get back his own vision , and not that fraught with the temptation and the HOLD of the chair. The power. Power corrupts everyone. He is human, a mere mortal as well. Why should it be any more surprising that he too has succumbed to the power of the chair? to the authority in his palm?

But like I said .. our nation is none the wiser. A yo yo history at our backs and still we are blind. By our own sense of misgivings. Much less to say a lacking sense of national ownership.

The system of any country, if  it begins to go astray is always kept in check by the law enforcement agencies of that country, i.e. the Police. Yet the Police in our nation has been absolutely defiled by our own nation. Not merely the men with power , but us as well. The common man. Some common man somewhere started the concept of giving the Cop a bribe. And that started the most disliked part of historical culture which will continue to live on till an effort is made for it to be killed .. by us .. not the system. A system can only be kept in check by another system. A parallel government of sorts. And who better to keep the system in check then the people themselves. If we move to keep things in balance , if we move to ensure amongst ourselves that no one and no cause (unless the obvious critical ones) are above the law … nothing can be done to ensure the proper working of the official system.

Some believe the best way to keep a 2nd watchdog system, is by means of operating outside the first one. That is a rebellion of sorts. ‘Sarkaar’ the movie shows this quite beautifully. However that might not be the salvaged answer. The answer is withing ourselves , to start from us. To be kept in check from us. To be championed by us. To be owned by us.

So what to say about this General’s system that rules the land of the pue ? Well there is hope yet … if the General regains a shred of his mind and if the land of the pure .. actually had something within to go by it’s given statement.

A sleepy head

6:00 A.M.. thats the time till i was up last night/morning. Its almost midnight now .. so i haven’t slept in almost 38 hours or something . Ain’t it cool ?

Well i just wrote that to let everyone know the frame of mind this blog has been posted in.

A sleepy head i am right now. I don’t think i will be thinking that clearly. But here are some of the things i want to say.

I hate people who claim to be all so glorius. Cuz it turns out they are not all they tout themselves to be. Yes… i hate them. That is all. This has been a useless blog. The next one might prove useful

Why she died…

I didn’t know her… but i know why she died. I know why she cried. They didn’t get to see her before she left. They couldn’t have… they were all busy, caught up. Only i saw her, right through her defenses. They couldn’t possibly catch on. And alone … she was .. and alone she remained. The tear on her face covered by a facade of a smile. The cloud in her eyes hidden behind a fire.

But i saw it all. I felt it in me. The thorn of poison eating through her spirit. Her strength. She is like a child abandoned in the cold winter. To fend for herself. No one to call her own. Mother, yet without a child. There’s more to that then that which catches the eye.

All her children left her behind … in ruin. With only her emotions to talk to her… by herself.. by her side. And slowly she died. In its helm.

BLAH!

OK thats it! … i have to just write something over here without making sense. I have been going on and on with formal writings , intellectual blabber… and other stuff of sorts which was more or less considered a piece of work from the pivotal holdings of the Gray MATTER!

I do not write right now to make sense of any kind whatsoever. But rather to live up to the name of this category… GIBBERISH! Thats right. Blah… blouh …. gibberish… trash…. muck…. etc etc etc. All words that you can think of along these lines which those good chaps at the Webster’s Think Tank could not fathom putting into the illustrious dictionary.

This is one of the main reasons i love P.G. Woodhouse . He has the most amazing ability to make some of his characters just ramble on with frivelous junk theories. Much like Wooster. And then ofcourse the exact opposite… the pearl of wisdom … the gem of a person…. the very dependable wise GURU…. Jeeves. Ah yes Jeeves. If i had a jeeves in my life…. i would probably be sitting on millions … exceeding 3.5 GPA … and frankly .. gone in life avoiding many a conflict. Ofcourse i would have to be about as attractive and as intellegent as a GUM fish to have a jeeves in my life… so really thats not something thats quite near reality. More like fiction.

Anyway … so as i sit here .. typing and blasting away at the keys of this unsuspecting computer owned by someone who is getting married in about 3 or 4 days….. looking at the love this person has for Huggies! …. i am forced to think. What was the point of this blog really? …. Was it just to unload trash … and just ramble on…. or was it to make you all just go one huge orchestral BLAH at the end. Alas we will never know. Cuz i hardly ever know whats going on in the creepier, disturbing and much weirder parts of my mind. Much less you. No no … the only one who could possibly grasp something is a shrink. Oh but wait this ISN’t New YORK!….

TOODLES!

I go it alone

I have waited for this for so long. This future, that hasn’t come about as yet. I can see it… clear as crystal. But i can’t call it mine still. I have to wait more for that. I have always have to wait more for that. The closer my destiny seems to me , the distance becomes longer.

The dawn keeps breaking to a new reality that i had yet not encoutnered. And all of a sudden i am tangled, in my own thougths. I try to follow, a plan, something. But i just find myself lost again. The sun glares in my eyes. I can see it saying , ” yea its a bloodie fuking sunny day ” .

I walk on. Scared, to know of what could happen. What could very well be an outcome. I look behind to realize that i am alone.. all by myself on this burning journey of sorts. I am about to collide with my worst fears, without a soul by side.

My body is tired, and i am mentally drained. The light is becoming brighter and brighter for me. My vision blinded. I am now walking without any aid. Without support. I just move. Forward … hopefully. To my destiny, to my goal. To my dream.

Thats the funny thing about destiny thou. Quite soon it changes into fate… a word i have heard more to be associated with a doomsday sort of proposition. Thats what i see happening with myself as well. The symptoms all seem to be there. Your classic paranoia with a severe doubt and helplessness. Its all there. And just as much as you would know it. So is fate.

So in my blind trench…. i walk… i slip… and i fall… down… to my end.